dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Can I color on your dick again?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
