Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
