So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize