Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
