I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
not ubering you a puppy
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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