Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize