I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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