then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
