Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
