you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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