Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
