i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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