Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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