By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
