if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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