Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
