Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
