Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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