my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
