But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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