Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're like the curious george of whores
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
