my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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