Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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