Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
