I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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