I want to make a zoo with you.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
