My sheets look like a crime scene.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
