All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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