so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
