god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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