Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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