My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize