He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
