The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
FUCK WHALES
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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