I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
