Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
