My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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