He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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