last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found puke in my bra..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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