If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
