i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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