WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
