she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
