just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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