Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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