Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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