Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
