we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
