I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
