I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
