Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
