I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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