when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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