Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
