JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
