Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
