Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
