We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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