Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
