so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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