Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
